Hey, Reader.

I generally avoid talking about people-pleasing.

Because the kind of people-pleasing that comes out of adult children of alcoholics like me is way more extreme than the kind most people talk about.

Let’s just say that if there was an Olympic medal in people-pleasing, we’d take it.

Through my healing journey, I’ve worked on shedding my people-pleasing ways.

I've read the books. I've listened to the podcasts. And the advice is always some version of "just say no," "set boundaries," or "you don't owe anyone anything."

Those things are true.

But for people like us, the problem isn't that we don't know we're allowed to say no.

It's that saying no feels soooo wrong.

It's a physical sensation. The guilt. The dread. The conviction that something terrible will happen if you disappoint someone.

Sound familiar?

Knowing it intellectually doesn't make that go away. People-pleasing became a survival skill. You learned to manage everyone else's experience because in your house, that's what kept you safe.

I don't even think people-pleasing is all bad. Sometimes, pleasing people makes you the wonderful person you are. But the version of it that runs your life is the one worth looking at.

So, here's what actually helped me:

1. I started absurdly small.

Saying "I actually don't love that restaurant."

Not immediately apologizing when someone bumped into me.

Walking on the correct side of the sidewalk and not moving over for people taking up the whole thing as if I was the one in the way.

Small. Almost silly. But those tiny moments built my confidence.

2. I learned to sit in the discomfort instead of escaping it.

The reason people-pleasing is so hard to quit because it gives you immediate relief in making someone else comfortable. And the discomfort of not doing it just sits there.

I had to learn to let it sit.

3. I got honest about who I was showing off for.

And realized they weren't paying that much attention.

A lot of my people-pleasing was a performance for an audience that wasn't watching as closely as I thought. I was contorting myself to manage perceptions that people had already moved on from.

That one stung a little.

4. I started connecting the impulse back to what I actually needed.

This one was the slowest and the most useful.

When I felt the pull to over-explain or over-apologize, I started asking: what do I actually need right now? What am I not saying?

People-pleasing is often a detour around the thing you actually want but don't feel entitled to ask for.

Getting good at noticing the detour helped me start finding the actual road.

Here’s the bottom line, Reader.

People-pleasing is what happens when you grow up believing your job is to manage everyone else's experience.

And the real way to stop people-pleasing is learning that your job was always something else.

That taking care of yourself isn't a betrayal of the people you care about.

It's the thing you were always supposed to be doing.

I go deeper on all of this in this video. Watch it here.​

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Reply and let me know. What's your status with people-pleasing these days, Reader.

A – Kicked it to the curb a while ago

B – It's complicated

C – We're basically married

Take good care of yourself,

Jody

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Memoir Update Two months to go! My Job Is Me will be available this September. If you grew up in any kind of dysfunction, or you've ever loved someone more than you've loved yourself, this book was written for you. More details coming very soon. I am so excited to share it with you. Read about it

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👋 P.S. If you’re new here… You're receiving this email because you signed up for it. You likely grew up being the responsible one and you're learning that your first job is actually taking care of yourself. I'm Jody Lamb. I'm an author and memoirist who had to figure all of this out from scratch. I've been writing and making videos about it since 2009. Every email is a mix of honest stories, practical stuff, and the kind of permission I wish someone had given me years ago. My memoir, My Job is Me, comes out September 2026. I'm really glad you're here. 📖 Grab the free Blueprint: jodylamb.com/guide​ 🎥 Watch on YouTube: youtube.com/jodylamb 🌐 Visit: www.jodylamb.com​