The Empowered Path for Adult Children of Alcoholics

By Jody Lamb

The first time I set a real boundary with my mother, it felt super wrong, Reader.

I told her, “I love you and I will always be here for you. But I will no longer answer your phone calls at night when you’ve been drinking.”

She called me selfish.

That word echoed in my mind for days.

And for the next 20 nights, she called anyway.

Every single time, I did not answer.

Ignoring those calls was excruciating. Each time my phone rang, my heart pounded. What if she’s in trouble? What if she hurt herself or someone else?

But I knew I had to protect my emotional well-being. The late-night, drunken calls ruined my evenings, leaving me anxious and exhausted – and often preventing me from falling asleep for many hours.

Finally, after 20 days, she stopped calling at night.

Instead, she called me on Saturday mornings when she was sober, and we had real conversations. Over time, our relationship improved.

I set that boundary 11 years ago and it remains in place today.

Reader, hands down, the hardest thing about creating a life you love is boundaries.

Well, sticking to boundaries, that is.

But boundaries are the keys to freeeeeedom.

If you’re like me, you may struggle with detachment and feeling like it’s your job to take care of your alcoholic parent.

But, Reader, creating healthy boundaries is life-changing.

Over the last 16 years, I’ve learned tried-and-true ways to set boundaries with your parent that will help both of you have a healthier relationship. If I can do it as a formerly very codependent adult child of an alcoholic, you can, too, Reader. No doubt.

Ready to set healthy boundaries, Reader? Well, here ya go – here are my best tips:

1. Recognize that your only job in life is to take good care of YOU.

Then, identify the boundaries. Question everything you do and the conversations you have with your parents. If something isn’t good for you, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that.

In case you need someone to remind you:

- You don’t have to listen to your parent’s rants.

- You don’t have to participate in one-sided conversations.

- You don’t have to be your parent’s therapist.

- You don’t have to tolerate their criticism of your life.

- You don’t have to be an on-call Uber driver.

- You don’t have to cancel your plans to meet their last-minute demands.

- You don’t have to talk about topics that make you uncomfortable.

- You don’t have to loan them money.

- You don’t have to earn their approval.

2. Get used to saying no.

In the early days of boundary setting, saying no to my mother felt very strange.

For example, I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for our extended family. After I had already planned and communicated dinner time to everyone and purchased all the ingredients for the meal, Mom insisted that I change the dinner time to earlier in the day and make other dishes instead because that’s what she preferred.

I said, “No, this is what the plan is. It works best for me and I’m not changing it.”

It seems ridiculous now that it took courage for me to stick to my plans, but this is how much control my mother had over everything.

Another time, Mom called and said she needed to borrow something immediately and that I should drive it to her right then.

I explained that I had other plans and was headed out the door for another obligation.

She sighed. She complained.

It wasn’t easy saying no, but it was freeing and every time I did, it got easier.

Eventually, Mom began being more considerate of my time, my plans, and my life.

3. Know that boundaries often feel wrong. Stay committed to them anyway.

When you set and stick to a boundary, it might feel wrong but that doesn’t mean it is.

After my father died unexpectedly, everything I knew about codependency and boundaries flew out the window. I moved into my mother’s house because I thought it was the right thing to do.

After three months, I realized that it was destroying me. My sister and I weren’t okay.

So, I made the hardest decision of my life: I packed up our stuff and moved my sister and me out of the house.

Driving away from my mother’s house, I sobbed and continued for three days straight. It felt like I was abandoning a sick child. For real.

But something unexpected happened…

Without me there, my mother had to be an adult for the first time in her life. My sister and I finally began to think clearly, heal, and live healthier lives.

4. Lead with love and explain to your parent why you’re setting boundaries.

If conversations with your mother about your dating life make you miserable, tell her that topic is off-limits.

If your father’s lectures about your career choices make you feel unworthy, let him know you’re not discussing it anymore.

If your parent calls asking for money again, tell them you can’t help because you need to protect your own financial well-being.

And when they get angry? Stay firm.

5. How to start a boundary-setting conversation.

Use this statement:

I love you, and our relationship is important to me. But I feel _________ when __________. I am focused on taking good care of me. So, we are/are not going to __________. I need to ______________.

Boundaries = Freedom

Reader, start setting healthy boundaries with your parent – and with everyone in your life.

Remember: Your only job in life is to take good care of YOU.

That means protecting your well-being; boundaries are your armor.

I’d love to hear from you, Reader! What boundary are you working on setting? Hit reply and let me know. 💛

Resources: Boundary-setting Tool I created this free boundary-setting tool to help you set clear and healthy boundaries. It’s based on what has worked for me in my own journey - and it's exclusively for my newsletter subscribers. Download the Boundary-Setting Tool

Here’s how to use it:

1. Identify your goal. (Example: I want peaceful evenings.)

2. Define the boundary needed to achieve that goal. (Example: No calls from Mom in the evening.)

3. List the steps to set and maintain the boundary.

4. Print and post the sheet where you can see it.

This simple process will help you take action and create boundaries that support your well-being. 💛

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One More Thing

Boundaries aren’t mean. Boundaries aren’t selfish.

Boundaries are what set you free, Reader.

I'm rooting for you! 💛 Jody